


///ERROR: TECHNOLOGICALLY DISABLED///

by WUTBOIWHOISDIS



Series: WRITTEN IMAGES [4]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor Being a Jerk (Hazbin Hotel), But the comic has a subtle chaggie sex scene, Charlie is tired of Vaggie's hate towards the deer, Gen, Humiliation, I won't put any gory details, I'm Bad At Tagging, If young metro don't trust you I'm gon shoot you, In a way, No Smut, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Small Self-Insert if you squint, Sober Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), This comic was funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:02:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28636716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WUTBOIWHOISDIS/pseuds/WUTBOIWHOISDIS
Summary: ///RECONNECTING...//////CONNECTION SUCCCESFUL///Sorry, this comic was so stupidly hilarious that my servers crashed.Charlie, Vaggie and Alastor make plans to advertise and spread the word of the hotel, but Alastor's refusal to use modern technology is making it a bit tough.Vaggie'll show him.A written version of the comic "The Day Before Alastor (finally) Bought His 1st Hellphone" by Nina Ruzicka (cartoontomb).Please comment.
Relationships: Alastor & Vaggie, Charlie/Vaggie
Series: WRITTEN IMAGES [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093688
Kudos: 13





	///ERROR: TECHNOLOGICALLY DISABLED///

**Author's Note:**

> I head canon that Vaggie's full form includes moth wings.
> 
> In this comic, I go by the exterminator Vaggie head canon as well.

Ever since Alastor's involvement with the hotel, things have been running smoothly. Slowly, but surely, a few patrons started to come into the hotel. They were up to about 5 patrons when Charlie realized something.

They were doing absolute shit in the marketing aspect of things.

The fact that there were no advertisements or fundraisers or anything regarding promoting the hotel (except for that disastrous interview), was slimming the chance of more patrons taking notice.

As soon as this came to her attention, she called a meeting between the only three major employees.

Herself, her girlfriend and co-founder Vaggie, and business partner Alastor.

Keep in mind those two absolutely can't stand each other.

It was close to the end of the meeting. "Alright guys, let's finish off our first strategic meeting with planning on how we're going to advertise the hotel!" Charlie beamed.

Vaggie was going to say something, but Alastor interjected her, seemingly on purpose. The moth demoness grunted.

"Oh, as far as my contribution goes, I'm already set."

_Already set? Alastor of all people? It's probably something threatening and hostile,_ Vaggie thought.

Alastor spoke more. "As we speak, regular spots are being announced during my most popular broadcasts! In that way, a plethora of unworthy sinners will be lining up at our doors!"

"Aren't your most "popular" broadcasts then one where you go on a whole goddamn slaughtering rampage? Yeah, that will DEFINITELY draw in patrons..." Vaggie retorted sarcastically.

Alastor acted like she wasn't even alive. Vaggie isn't alive, but well, erm... dammit, you know what I mean. On with the story.

"I even came up with a slogan! Knowing how much Charlie absolutely adores the catchiest strings of words, I call it 'redemption for even the greatest of sinners'! That should lure in the first few delusionals here."

Vaggie wasn't having it. "You're right, Alastor! Imagine the look of excitement on everyone's faces when the fucking RADIO DEMON shows up at the doorstep!"

Charlie winced at Vaggie's choice of words. Yes, Al was sketchy, but couldn't she just trust him for once? Their relationship was on the brink of destruction, and it got worst from that prank ever since Vaggie discovered how sensitive Alastor's ears are...

"Unlike you, Vagatha, I already have a concept! What about you, darling?"

Vaggie did have a concept! Ugh, he didn't have to be so brash!

"Ok, one, don't call me 'darling'. Two, I DO have a concept. I think we need more visual advertising. No-one gives a shit about radio broadcasts these days! It's 2021, Alastor!"

"Oh, but cultured people do care, Vagatha, despite the year they currently live in. The masses like you hooked to the small screen are usually too dense, and dull-witted ignorant fools to even consider redemption."

THAT'S IT.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE ABOUT THEIR THOUGHTS ON REDEMPTION, YOU HYPOCRITE? THESE ARE WORDS FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN BELIEVE IN OUR CAUSE!"

"Oh, Vagatha, sweet, sweet, naive Vagatha..." Alastor falsely swooned over Vagatha. "Such an eager consumer of the screen's products of entertainment programs indeed."

Charlie was silent in all of this. She didn't know how to interject the right way.

Alastor continued. "The only ones who have to believe in redemption are the lowlives that would only be desperate to become a guest. But of course, in order to repent, they must look to the past and self-reflect on their sinful ways, I have done so and am perfectly content with what I have done, and to do so, they can't be brainwashed as a TV-audience. Self-reflection is lost among such a generation. So, try using your tiny head for more than just fuming dear."

Alastor patted Vaggie's head like a dog. Vaggie swore she could feel her moth wings press against the back of her shirt. She looked like the embodiment of death itself.

The former exterminator in her also came out slightly, too.

" **Juro por el Señor mi Dios que pagarás por tus pecados en su totalidad...** "

Charlie jumped in before Vaggie could slit Al's throat. "Ok, Vaggie, heh heh, calm down, honey..." Vaggie tried really hard not for herself to take her full form.

"Al, there's no need for worry! Vaggie does have real talent with graphics and layout and stuff! I'm sure she can take care of the planned social media campaign. We could use your slogan!"

Charlie dropped her happy expression looked at Vaggie with an emotionless one, to confirm she was serious. She almost looked like her mother. "Right, Vaggie?"

The pastel goth finally calmed down. Thank God she didn't have to ruin another shirt, and this one was her favorite.

Alastor was satisfied with the meeting. "Very good, as long as you're not planning any TV-spots involving me, which I would object to for obvious reasons," he stated as he got up. Oh, how he hated Vox. "Otherwise, you may do what you think is best. Au revoir, ladies!"

//////

Unexpectedly, the day went by fast for Vaggie. Angel came home drunk again, and Vaggie had to carry him in after Husk rudely refused to help her out. But other than that, the rest of the day was fairly pleasant. She was still bothered by Alastor's behavior though. Not even Nifty's excellent cooking (it was her turn that week) of cassoulet and ratatouille could help. It was worse when the loudest people at the table were Nifty and a patron of the hotel who called himself "Wibwid". They wouldn't stop talking about fan fiction.

Finally, it was the end of the day. Both Charlie and Vaggie were in bed, dressed in their undergarments. Charlie was on the last few chapters of the night for a book. She noticed the tense emotion around Vaggie, though. It was as if steam was rising off of her.

"You're still mad at him, aren't you?"

Vaggie responded with a "hmph".

Charlie was dead set on making Vaggie sleep without Alastor in her mind.

"I know I've said this plenty of times," Charlie said to Vaggie, who looked back at her without turning her head.

"...but can we look past his behaviors for just one night? He's teasing you because you give him that chance, Vaggie."

"Charlie, you know how much he get on my nerves, though. It's like he won't stop until I am bothered. Ugh, hijo de puta..."

Charlie was concerned for her girlfriend's well being. "Also, can Alastor not, like, be the third invisible person in the room right now?"

Vaggie still wouldn't get over it. She just didn't like how Al was ALWAYS bossing her around! "Why would we give this 'farolero' a pass on acting likes he owns the place. You own the hotel, hun, not him! It's our project!"

"I know," Charlie answered smugly. Was she picking up his slick comebacks too?! Vaggie's spear wasn't too far from the bed as very gory thoughts of Alastor's dead body filled her head.

Charlie reasoned with Vaggie. It finally calmed Vaggie down a little bit.

"I just want to see if he's really as helpful as he claims to be for just a few more weeks, Vaggie. If he's useless or if he tries anything, remember that I'm the princess and I can still send him away. You can do it with me, too." Vaggie smiled at that. "Tomorrow, just try and get nice pictures for the hotel and post them on social media, and you can include Al's redemption slogan too. It just might work!"

Vaggie was finally calmed down. She wasn't mad anymore, but the only thing that wouldn't leave her head was Alastor. "Alright, Imma use the fucking slogan. Because of course if it's ALASTOR'S idea we HAVE to stick with it-"

Charlie just about had it.

"Enough!" Vaggie looked at Charlie in shock. She rarely acted like that. However, instead of in angry attitude, her face and tone were more... _seductive_.

"If you continue talking about Alastor while we're in bed together, I start to make conclusions..."

Vaggie knew was she was talking about. "I, what, no! That's not what I meant, hun...hun?"

"I know how tired you are of the routine, Vaggie. Tell me," Charlie sounded like her mother. "Have you ever tried _role-play_?"

"Um, no...?" Vaggie was really questioning Charlie's behavior right now. Where was she going with this?

"Let's say hypothetically, that if you _do_ want to try..."

All of a sudden, Charlie used her magic to sprout Alastor-esque ears on top of her head. Her eyes changed to Alastor's color as well, and he teethed sharpened to his likeness. And finally, her voice matched his radio filter

" _I'd be happy to oblige, darling!_ "

"WHAT THE-?!" Vaggie had no time to finished that because Charlie then grabbed her from behind, and a tickle monster was born.

" _Come on now, let's see that gorgeous smile of your, Vagatha_ _!_ "

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHA, STOP, HAHAHAHAAA!" Vaggie succumbed to the Charlastor tickle monster.

Charlie tickled Vaggie for about two minutes. That's where things to a more lustful turn.

" _That's better. Now I can see you smile, and I intend to make it stay that way. So, how about we shed these rags and, say, misbehave, my love?_ "

"Oh, I'd love too, babe... say, does Charlastor have a little deer tail?"

Charlie magically grew said appendage and showed it off to Vaggie. " _Would you like me to have one?_ "

"Oh, Charlie, you're so impossible, you know that?"

They kissed while they took each other's clothes off.

However, a sentient shadow would peak over a chair in the room.

//////

Elsewhere, Alastor was at the radio tower. He wasn't one for sleep, for his massacres usually required him to stay awake. When he did sleep, however, it was usually for about two, three hours max. That's only nap-length.

He read "Murder On the Orient Express" by Agatha Christie. It was made only one year after his death, and despite his objection towards anything made passed 1933 (his death year), it was a pretty good book in his opinion. Rosie had recommended it to him. She was like the technologically advanced version of Alastor.

As he sat by the fireplace and sipped on fine wine. His thought were interrupted and his eyes fell off of his book. The thoughts in question were coming from his shadow, and they were some really bad thoughts.

Really dirty, perverted thoughts.

His shadow was stalking Charlie and Vaggie! What in the hell?!

"What are you doing?! Get out of there IMMEDIATELY!" Alastor communicated to his shadow telepathically.

His shadow responded with, " _ **It is** ** _i_ nteresting that the two females are fantasizing about us, isn't it, sire?**_"

What was he talking about? As if on cue, Alastor could hear the couple in bed.

" _Oh...ah...oh Charlastor...you're so...oh my God..._ "

" _*giggles* Yes, you like that, don't you?"_ "

" _Yes...oh shit, keep going...tómame...toma todo de mí Charlastor...ah..._ "

Alastor tried to cover his ears, but he could always hear his radio frequencies. Oh, how much he hated himself right now.

"Pictures...moist pictures in my head...no, GET OUT!"

The perverted shadow continued, however. He was getting a rise out of his master, but also out of watching the couple in bed. Why did he have to act like that?

" ** _Oh, and the rose-faced dolly seems to be the dominant one in the mating ritual. Who would have...oh,_** ** _never_** _**mind!**_ "

Alastor heard more. He didn't want to hear more but he heard more.

" _...That's enough! I think it's MY turn..._ "

" _How DARE you try to rival against your maOH GOOD LORD...GAH..."_

Alastor couldn't take it anymore. "Stop it! RETURN HERE AT ONCE!"

" _ **But sire, they've mentioned our name in such a frisky manner. We seem to be constantly on their mind...do you think they want us to participate in their ceremonial-**_ "

Alastor's shadow was snagged by the neck through a portal. How Charlie and Vaggie didn't notice any of this was a miracle. Alastor held the shadow by the neck. Nothing but murder was in what he spoke next.

"T̵̻̉̑o̷̧͍͛m̴̫͊̈́ǫ̶̇ȓ̶̫r̴̨͍̈́o̸͙̝̓w̵̨̲͝,̴̭̈́ ̷̬̬͠y̷̙̲̿o̵̺̠̅ṷ̶̇ ̵̺̃a̶̺̠̾͠n̷̘̈́ḑ̷͋ ̸͗̃͜I̸͍̱͒ ̸̭́͛ā̴̼̉r̷͇̍e̵̦͝ ̴̣̈́g̷̡͔̿ơ̵̪̘͒i̷͗̕ͅn̴̻̦̂ġ̴̢͝ ̴̧͑͠t̸̜͉̊ō̸͖͍ ̶̡̉͑t̸̫̮͋͝å̸̙k̵͔̤͑̚ĕ̶̩́ ̵̼̈â̸͙ ̶̣̓̓l̶̙̑i̸̢̭͝ţ̵̖͛t̴͖̤̐̉l̴̖̹̍e̸̐ͅ ̶͈̑w̶̮̘̍́ä̷̜̜l̵̼͉̄͋k̶̬̂ ̸̠͒ì̶̻n̴͖̾̓ ̷̦͔̏̄ṫ̸͙̖̄h̷̖͐̕e̷̦̗̾͠ ̷͇̂͜s̴̺̋ẻ̷̦̮v̵͉̽ě̵͕ņ̷̩͗̆t̸̘͐̕ḩ̴͉̓̽ ċ̴ͅi̵̫͗͊r̴͓̰̒c̷͔̅̉l̸̰̱͒͝ȅ̵͇̳ ̸̩̈́ͅȍ̴̮̏f̵̥͛ ̷̧̓͒b̴̬̿͝ͅu̷̫͐̑r̸̛͉̗͒n̸̞̔̂i̷͉̿ǹ̶̯͘ǵ̷̠͕̍ ̵̲͛̐ͅs̵̗̤̿a̵̬͖̓́n̷͓̤̈́̚d̴͚̹̏̈́ ̴͇͝á̷̯̳n̵̰̾͗d̸̢̻͊ ̶͕͐e̵̛̗̞ṱ̷̜́͝ë̴́ͅr̵̗͈͠n̴͖̎ạ̵̦͗l̸͉̭͘ ̷̫̙̀ĺ̵̮̲̕i̶͔̊̚g̶̢̤̓̊h̸̨͉̑͘t̵̮̓.̸̟͖̓ ̵̟͠A̵̠̓t̸̨̾͝ ̸͖̎̒n̸̤̓͝ȯ̶͕õ̴̝̍n̶̯̳̈̏.̵̜̘͝ ̶̮͊D̴̩͠õ̶̗̬ ̵͖͂Ì̵͚̅ ̸̳͕̊m̷͕͔̅̈́ą̴͆k̵̮̄̿e̸͙̜͊̐ ̶̻͊m̴̛͖͓͌y̸̮͉̎͝s̴͕̍e̵̪͌ḷ̵̓́f̸̱̥̓ C̶͇̀L̷̘̔E̴͇̿͆A̸͉̘̎͝R̶̬͑?̶͈͂"

The shadow sighed. Being the demonic shadow of an overlord had its perks, but also its drawbacks. Could he enjoy himself just for once?

Alastor was physically incapable of sleep after that.

//////

As much as she didn't want to, Vaggie had to wake up this morning. She wasn't surprised that Charlie had already woken up. Being a hell-born demon, she could gain energy quicker than most, so that left Vaggie alone in the room. While in the shower, she remembered that she had to do the promotional pictures for the hotel advertisements.

She walked downstairs and smelled the scent of breakfast. Bacon, eggs, pancakes, and was that the smell of fried plantains and mashed beans with tortillas? She immediately knew that Charlie was the one who made it.

Charlie greeted Vaggie as soon as she walked in

"Hey, Vaggie! I made plantains and beans, just how you like it!"

"Charlie, mí corazón, your gonna make me cry!" Vaggie faked a sad face and puffed her lower lip out. It was funny how Charlie always thought it was real.

"No, wait, don't cry! I'm sorry Vaggie!"

"Hahaha, it's ok, hun. I'm just playing. Now I gotta eat before I start the day,"

Vaggie was silent as she ate her food. In the main lobby, Alastor was pissing off Husk.

"Hello, Husker, my charming kitten! How's the weather out there?"

Husk took a swig of his booze. "I just woke up, Al, please don't fuck with me right now..."

Angel butted in after he heard that. "Don't worry Husky, I can fuck with you. All ya' gotta do is-"

"I SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN," Husk was already riled up at 8 AM the morning. "I AM NOT PAYING FOR YOUR BODY!"

"Aw come on, Husky, you're no fun."

Husk looked at Vaggie, who was gorging herself with pancakes and plantains, with a look of sympathy. "You and me, woman."

//////

Vaggie was able to get a lot of pictures. Some of them with the Charlie posing in front of certain spots, others with pictures of rooms to show cased how the hotel looked, and in some cases, how it looked for now. There was still a little bit of renovation to be done.

The final shot, however, required a book. Called the "Catalogue of Sins: A History of Human Vices", Charlie wanted a photo that looked like a sinner holding the book as if they realized all of their wrongs. Such a drama queen, Charlie.

Unfortunately for Vaggie, she had to reach it on a tall shelf. She would never admit it, but she was short. She was 5"7'. Charlie was 6"1'.

"Maldita sea," Vaggie muttered to herself as she tried her hardest to reach it while standing on a step stool. "Why do I have to be so damn short..."

She looked around for Charlie, but she was nowhere to be seen. She was about to give up when she spotted Angel browsing his phone on the couch. She had gotten closer with him over the past few months, but their qualms were still very present. He was the perfect one to help her get the book, though, because he stood at a overwhelming 8"0'. Now to ask him and see if he decided to be cooperative or difficult.

"Hey, Angel!"

"Mmm?"

"Can you come over here and help me reach this book? I'm too-" In no way was she going to admit out loud that she was shorter. "I mean, you're tall, so help me please?"

He decided to be difficult.

"Sorry, toots. My legs feel like they can't stand straight. Fuckin', I can't stand straight because right now, I have this REALLY bad hangover, and I can't do anything since you set my drinking diet on 'no liquors.' Being on fuckin' sodas all day sucks. Let Smiles handle it."

_Goddamnit, Angel_.

Overhearing said conversation, Alastor walked over to Vaggie. "What seems to be the problem?"

Vaggie tried to mock Alastor's overly fancy wording, but it didn't come out the way she wanted.

"Duh, I'm sho-I mean, I...need assistance on a _vertical_ matter." She said "vertical" with frustration. Why was it so hard to pull an Alastor impression off. Charlie makes it so easy, even without the magic she used last night.

"I've tried to reach this book that Charlie wanted me to use for the promotion. I was wondering if someone could help."

"Does that seem to be all?"

Vaggie's spear tapped on the shelf, as she had been trying to use it to reach the book as well. However, the tapping shook out a record that was stored on the shelf, and it fell to the floor and shattered, startling both Vaggie and Alastor.

After realizing what kind of record it was, Alastor tried to catch it, but failed.

"NO! Why would someone do this?!"

"Do what?!

"You broke a perfectly preserved Brunswick 6105, St. James Infirmary, performed by Cab Calloway and his orchestra." He acted as if it was worst sin of all.

"Never! Break! Calloway! Or any 78 RPM for that matter!"

Vaggie was taken aback. All that for an old record?

"Calm down. It's just a vinyl."

"This is NOT a vinyl! Those come much later!" Alastor responded. "These are made of shellac. You play it on a gramophone at 78 rounds per minute."

Alastor used his magic to reverse the damage and fix the record. Vaggie smirked. This whole outburst could've been avoided. "So what? You fixed it. Crisis averted."

"And to make sure it stays fixed, I shall put it somewhere where a single finger from your TV-zombified ignorance won't lay on it!" Alastor walked out of the room.

"Wait, but how about. the-"

The book teleported into Vaggie's hand. Alastor left with a curt, "There. Who places these in a bookshelf, anyway..." 

Vaggie climbed down the step ladder. As she was about to put it away, an idea came to her head. A sinister face took over her features. She looked over at Angel.

"You got it, right?"

"Nice and clear toots. It's perfect. Hey, about 'dat liquor!"

//////

Charlie walked into her office and saw Vaggie hard at work on her laptop. The fans in the laptop were spinning really fast, so she must have been on it for a long time. Charlie walked over to it.

"Hey, Vaggie. You working on the cover picture?"

"Yes, hon," Vaggie didn't look up from the screen. "Surprisingly, Alastor helped with the subject for the photograph."

Charlie, now curious, looks at the screen. He agreed to _that_? In fact, those were the same words that came out of her mouth.

"He agreed to _that_?"

"Yup. I used his slogan and after all, who's 'The Greatest of Sinners' if not himself?"

"I just...wow." Charlie was at a loss for words.

Vaggie was finished. She snickered, for this was her way to get back at Alastor for the way he was treating her. Take this!

"Aaaaand....posted!"

//////

While that was happening, Alastor was at a restaurant with Rosie in Cannibal Colony. He was talking to Rosie while she scrolled through her phone. Rosie was listening though, so he didn't have to worry about that.

"My idea for promotion was priceless! They could have used my famous airwaves to talk about the precious little hotel! Their zombified brains chose _social media_ over what was clearly superior. Ha! And the girls, for whatever it's worth, are actually trying their best on such a thing."

Rosie scrolled onto a post of the official Hazbin Hotel Bitter account. "I see, yes, Alastor...umm..."

"...honestly it suits such a hapless cause."

"Well, Alastor, dearie, you should try and step forward and, well, join them in the online world. The rest of demon kind has done so."

"Oh, really? Hahaha! Like I would do such a horrid thing?" Alastor really didn't want to do this.

"Besides, whatever could I use a small screen for?"

Rosie giggled at the post before showing it to the deer. "How about staying up to date with recent events?"

Alastor looked at the phone. He grabbed it to take a closer look.

Enter radio scratch.

Alastor couldn't believe his eyes. They had humiliated him!

It was a photo of the time when the record broke on the floor. Except in Alastor's hands was the Catalogue of Sins! They made him look like a sinner that was looking for repentance! Vaggie, instead of her surprised look, had a face of what would only be described as "holy rage." To make matters worse, the slogan he used was on the very bottom.

Alastor had never felt so humiliated

And for the first time in his life, he got up, walked out of the restaurant, and headed for Voxtech.

**Author's Note:**

> I promised an installment with no angst, so I dropped this. As for the Charlastor tickle monster, you might see them in your nightmares...
> 
> Or dreams, 'cause some of you guys are into that.
> 
> Fun fact:
> 
> One of my favorite songs samples Cab Calloway. The Hi De Ho Man intro from one of his Minnie the Moocher performances, to be exact.
> 
> The song in question is Icon by Jaden.
> 
> I do not condone the shadow's behavior.
> 
> Would you like me to make a second chapter were Alastor comes to the Hazbin Hotel with a phone and learns how to use it? Turn to the comments!


End file.
